


Poorly Planned Pregnancy of Doom

by awesomerosie



Category: Marvel, New Avengers (Comics), Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Blood, C-Section, Childbirth, M/M, Magic, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 22:44:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19981756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomerosie/pseuds/awesomerosie
Summary: Billy and Teddy have been togetherforever.They've been to Hell and back and come out stronger for it. So what happens if they add something to that perfect little bubble?This is the story of two people, a few bad ideas, and a whole lot of cute baby stuff.





	Poorly Planned Pregnancy of Doom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoddessofRoyalty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoddessofRoyalty/gifts).



> For GoddessofRoyalty, because she wrote the fic that started this nonsense.
> 
> I tried my best to make it less graphic than all my other fics, but I'm bad at that.
> 
> This, like all of my fics, was written by word-vomiting and then was edited to the best of my abilities. I promised myself that I wouldn't post any unfinished fics, but I'm doing it any and no one can stop me! Feel free to yell at me if I take forever to update.

"So," Teddy said, "babies, huh?"

Billy was staring across the park at an adorable straight couple and their two children. He had been staring for what was probably far too long, but he couldn’t help it - the toddler-sized one was trying to help the smaller one learn to crawl and it was super cute. When he finally tore his eyes away, Teddy gave him that smile that meant he knew exactly what Billy was thinking.

“Yeah,” Billy said, “babies, huh?”

“Is that a positive ‘huh’ or a negative one?”

“Umm...positive, I think.”

“So, babies.”

“Yeah...babies.”

“How many are we talking?”

“I dunno, a couple? I enjoy having siblings, even if they were fucking annoying for most of my childhood.” Billy scratched the back of his head, feeling more than a little awkward, which wasn’t anything new. “So, uh, what about you?”

“Oh, I love babies.”

“Great! Yeah, uh, great. That’s great.”

Teddy snorted, throwing an arm around Billy’s shoulders. “Your mom would love it. She keeps hinting about grandkids.”

“Wait, what? Since when?”

“Pretty much since we got together, but definitely more so since we moved out. I don’t know how she expects us to manage it, but she’s pretty determined that it happens eventually.”

“But, are we ready for babies? I know we have decent jobs and stuff, but like, what if we aren’t emotionally ready or something?”

“Is anyone  _ ready _ to have babies? Stacy two doors down from us is not even twenty-one, has two kids, and is living happily with her wife. I’m pretty sure it’s just one of those things that comes naturally once you acquire a kid.”

“And if I don’t have those naturally activating skills? What do we do then? We can’t just get rid of a baby because I’m a walking disaster.”

Teddy looked at him like he was crazy, a face he made too often for Billy’s liking. “Do you really think you have no parenting skills? I know you’re not the ‘mom friend’, but you’ve got the most important parenting quality there is; You’re there when we need you. I don’t even know how many times you’ve helped someone out of a jam without being asked.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s because we’re New Avengers. It’s not just me.”

“And _why_ _are you_ a New Avenger? Why did Roberto put _you_ in charge? Because you _like_ helping people. And you're good at it too.”

Billy glared for half a second before he conceded. “Fine, I get your point. So, babies, I guess." He stared at the mother across from them for a moment before asking, "How are we going to do this?"

"I figured we'd adopt."

"I mean, yeah, we could, but also, you're a shapeshifter and I'm literally  _ made  _ of magic."

"Point," Teddy said, nodding sagely. "So, which one of us gets to be the mom?"

"If we're having more than one we could both be the mom."

"That's not going to be confusing at all."

Billy threw up his hands, shrugging dramatically. "Nothing about this makes sense. Nothing about  _ me  _ makes sense. We'll all get used to it."

"Fair enough. Who's going first then?"

"Is it weird for me to say that I kind of want to do it?"

Teddy squinted at him, absentmindedly playing with the hairs on the back of Billy's neck. "Yes."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better about this."

"It's not a bad thing. It's cute, honestly."

"Cute enough to let me go first?"

"I would love to get you pregnant."

"Now you're making it weird and creepy."

"Making people  _ is _ weird and creepy, but that's part of the fun."

"Alright, weirdo."

\---

_ "Make me pregnant. Make me pregnant. Make me pregnant,"  _ Billy chanted, eyes closed and fists tangled in the bedsheets. Teddy cracked up beside him. "Shut up, you're making me lose focus."

"Sorry, sorry, please continue."

_ "Conceive. Conceive. Fucking, conceive."  _ Billy peeked an eye open, watching Teddy silently laugh at him. "What?"

"I'm just thinking about how much easier it would be to get me pregnant."

"Yeah right. I love you, but I'm not sure I can actually cum inside a vagina."

"Nah, I'll just switch it around on the inside. Remove the colon for a minute, shove the bladder out of the way."

"Ugh! Agh! Please don't tell me these things! I'm not squeamish about the shapeshifting thing until you start talking about moving organs."

"It's not that bad! It just feels like a pile of cooked noodles squirming around your insides."

"Oh, ew! Gross!” Billy yelled, throwing a pillow over his head. “Why did you tell me that?!"

"It's not that weird. Who knows, the baby might be able to do it too."

“Oh my god!” The pillow flew off the bed, and Billy stared wide-eyed at Teddy. “What if it starts changing in public? How are we going to explain that?”

“How are you going to explain the fact that you’re pregnant?”

“Magic. Obviously.”

"Obviously," Teddy mumbled, then gasped. “Are you still going to be a New Avenger?”

“Yeah,” Billy said, defensively, “just...not an active one, I guess? I dunno, we’ll figure something out.”

\---

The spell worked - because magic, obviously - and almost immediately after they confirmed it, Billy found out how shitty being pregnant was. He wasn't sick, or bloated, or moody, or even showing yet, but as soon as Teddy ran off to help a woman get her purse back, Billy knew the next few months were going to be hard.

He refused to stop using magic though, so the purse yanked off of the thief's arm and came flying at Teddy while all the Chinese food tried to escape from the bag in Billy's hand. Teddy gave the lady her purse and looked like the hero, and Billy pretended he wasn't just levitating in front of several dozen strangers; Not that it mattered a whole lot because a few of those strangers knew who he was anyway.

They were exactly one and a quarter blocks away from the annoyingly expensive one bedroom they called home. So close to home that he could see the ugly, fluorescent orange overhang in the distance. And also, suddenly too close to the streets where both of them fight crime, which, until now, didn't seem like such a daunting situation.

"Thanks for the assist," Teddy said, trotting through the crowd. “Thought I was gonna have to bring out my wings to catch up with him.” His face switched from giddy to worried in only a few seconds and that was when Billy figured out he was showing his concern on the outside. “You okay?”

“This is all just...a lot.”

A wrinkle formed between Teddy’s eyebrows. “We’ll figure it out.” He reached up to Billy’s face, wiping at a wet spot on his cheek. “It’ll be okay.”

\---

Whoever decided that “morning sickness” should be the name for the endless nausea that pregnant people endured should be shot. Twice. It wasn’t just  _ morning  _ sickness, it was afternoon sickness, and I-smelled-something-weird sickness, and middle-of-the-night-while-I’m-trying-desperately-to-find-a-comfortable-position sickness. And none of it, NONE OF IT, could be fixed by ANYTHING.

Billy had called in sick that morning because he didn’t even want to walk down the street, let alone try and interact with people. He was sitting on the couch, hurling into a trashcan, when Tommy showed up unannounced, as per usual.

Tommy’s nose scrunched, looking almost sicker than Billy felt. “What’s up with you? You eat some bad tacos or something?”

“No, I- HGK-” Billy avoided looking at it. He blocked the scent with a spell, closing his eyes against the wave of dizziness it brought with. “I’m fine,” he finally managed, not believing it one bit.

“Uh-huh,” Tommy grunted, dropping onto the seat furthest from Billy, “that’s why you’re puking like a drunk girl. That’s totally normal.”

“It’s fine. It’ll go away.”

“Why don’t you just magic it away?”

“Tried that. Came back with a vengeance.”

"And that's why you look like death now."

Billy started to nod, froze when his brain rattled around in his head, and hummed his affirmation instead.

"Why _ are _ you sick though? We don't really  _ get _ sick, at least, I don't."

Billy stared blankly at the gruesome crime scene playing on the TV, still wondering how it was easier to watch than the cooking show he had on earlier. "I'm pregnant," he said. Tommy was a weird person to start with, but they had to tell everyone eventually.

"Is there something I'm missing here or have you finally lost it?"

"We wanted kids," Billy said with a shrug, "so I made it happen. What's so weird about that?"

"Uhhh, I'd have to go with my _gay brother_ _can't get pregnant_. Seriously though, really? I'm gonna be an uncle?"

"Assuming we both make it to term, yeah."

"You'll make it. There's no way the universe is taking  _ my  _ nibling away."

\---

Billy’s mom was ecstatic. She was already planning baby showers, and circumcisions, bar mitzvahs, weddings, all the way down to the inevitable burial plot right near her own; The last was quite morbid in a weirdly adorable way.

“Mom,” Billy tried to interrupt.

“Oh, and Granny Lorna will need to hear about this!” His mom stood, headed for the phone on the counter, stopped and gasped in shock. “I’m going to be a granny!”

Billy didn’t understand why it was such a shock, but he also hadn’t had The Moment yet. He had moments of severe panic, yes, but not the all-encompassing “I’m going to be a parent” Moment that Teddy had. Billy watched it happen with his own eyes - something about those little onesies kick-started the cooing phase of parenthood for him.

His mom was halfway through a rant about how his cousin Penny would be jealous of his incredible fertility - which somehow wasn’t the weirdest conversation he’d found himself in - and managed to tune back in to hear her say, “I’m fairly sure it’s her husband’s issue. Oh! Maybe Teddy could help them out. 'Share the love’ as you kids say.”

Even if Teddy wasn’t part Skrull, Billy’s not sure he wanted to share his "love".  Billy was definitely making faces, partially at this line of dialogue, and partly out of regret for the tuna casserole he just ate.

“Don’t make that face,” his mom chided, “it was only a thought.”

“Teddy’s an alien, Mom. I don’t think Penny wants to deal with that.”

“She’s a smart girl, I’m sure it would be fine.”

“Mom, Teddy’s a  _ shapeshifter _ .”

“Good. Maybe the kid will look more like Penny’s husband then.”

“Right,” Billy mumbled, standing and slowly backing away from the kitchen table. “Well uh, I gotta go take care of some stuff at home. Thanks for lunch.”

\---

Billy had expected pushback from  _ someone _ , but so far everyone had been  _ happy  _ for them. No "you're going to tear a hole in the universe, Billy," or "how could you break up the team, Billy?" or "I can't believe you've done this, Billy." Nothing. Everyone just supported their decision like they were real adults that knew what they were doing with their lives. And honestly, who could believe that when he was still going by the name ‘Wiccan’?

So, Billy was stressed out for the entire pregnancy, which was a bad thing according to everything he read. Though, stressed was the weakest word to describe his state of mind. Anxious or three seconds from a panic attack would be better descriptors.

But, he ate well - or as well as he could when he wasn't puking into whatever bucket-shaped object was nearest. And soon enough he was fat as hell - one of the many things he was assured was normal - and he could  _ feel _ it. The fetus/baby/whatever-you-want-to-call-it moved around inside him, and that was cool until it kicked his bladder and made him pee himself a little. Teddy loved it though, couldn't keep his hands off Billy's stomach; It was one of these times that Billy was just trying to get shit done that Teddy just wouldn't let go.

"Could you not?" Billy asked, slapping lightly at the burly green arms locked around his middle.

"No."

"I'm trying to do dishes."

"Leave 'em. I'll do them later."

"I don't need you to do everything for me."

"But I want to do it. I want to help, so just let m-” Teddy’s hands slid away, a distant “Oof” echoing through the apartment. Billy turned to find Teddy slumped on the couch across the room with a resigned look on his face. “Nevermind,” Teddy said, “you can finish up the dishes.”

“Thank you.”

\---

Billy knew he was overreacting, but holy fuck that shit hurt! “Contractions” they called it. “Contractions” did not come even close to the feeling of your own body trying to squeeze another human out of itself like toothpaste, ESPECIALLY when the other human didn’t have an exit hole! He was fucked! Absolutely, and wholly fucked.

Why didn’t they think about the ending of this pregnancy fiasco? They planned for after the baby showed up, but no one thought about the fucking extraction process!

“I’m going to die,” Billy complained loudly to the room at large. The room that kept gaining occupants no matter how much Billy wished it didn’t.

It started with Tommy. “I felt something wrong with the force,” he said, and then refused to admit he made a geeky reference.

Then it was the squirrels. At least a dozen of them crawled into the open window and went about making themselves useful until Doreen showed up with another swarm and sent most of them back outside.

His mother they had to call, but soon enough she showed up too. She got over the squirrel thing surprisingly quick.

“I’m going to die!” Billy said again, glaring at Teddy from his burrow of pillows like that would make the message clearer.

Teddy’s eyes rolled. “You’re not going to die.”

“I am! This thing is going to kill me trying to get out of my body.” Billy stuck his tongue out at Teddy’s raised eyebrows. “I have reality-warping powers, this kid could have them too.”

“Good,” Teddy said, totally not seeing the problem here, “now use those powers to do something about this.”

Billy looked at Teddy, then at his mother, and then grimaced at Tommy and Doreen. “You guys might want to leave.”

“Why?” They asked in unison.

“What I’m about to do is very gross and will probably scar you for life.” Doreen took the hint, but Tommy just seemed curious. “Honestly, it’s going to scar  _ me  _ for life.” Tommy just shrugged and kept leaning against the wall. “Okay..." Billy muttered, giving up on trying to save his stupid brother from this inevitably traumatic experience. "Someone should go wash their hands because they’re going to have to stick them inside me.” The looks on everyone’s faces would forever make Billy laugh if the rest of the memory weren’t quite so horrific.

Good old Dr. Kaplan dashed off, which was probably for the best since she had the most medical knowledge of them all, and came back with her hands held up like they do in medical dramas. Billy rolled onto his back and yanked his shirt up, revealing his stretchmark-ridden belly.

“Okay everybody,” Billy said, taking a breath to steady himself, “this is going to make a mess.” He took hold of Teddy’s hand and closed his eyes, picturing what he wanted to happen next.

The searing pain clued him in that it worked, but it also made him freak the hell out because it  _ worked _ . His eyes shot open and nearly rolled out of the back of his head as the sight before him hit his brain like a truck.

His mother had her hands shoved in the bleeding cavity at the base of his stomach. Just the blood would have made him squirm, but  _ feeling her hands inside him _ was too much.

Billy definitely passed out.

The world snapped back into focus like a slap to the face, Tommy's green eyes vibrating mere inches from Billy's own.

"Stay with me, little bro, we ain't done yet."

Something was happening, but Billy couldn't see it past Tommy's stupid face. Someone shrieked, chaos erupted, and Billy tried to peek, but Tommy grabbed his head and held it in place.

"If you look," Tommy said with more than a little threat, " _ I'm _ going to pass out and then we're definitely going to have a problem."

"Okay," said the strong, clever, smart-as-hell Mama Kaplan, "we're done. Can you close yourself up or should we be rushing you to the hospital?"

"No uh, I-" Billy mumbled, "I just, uh…" He closed his eyes again, grabbing Tommy's hands before he could get slapped again. He tried to do something, close up the wound, picture himself before the pregnancy, anything that might help, but nothing happened. The pressure lifted from his abdomen and he let out a strangled whine.

"Sorry!" Teddy cried, shoving the blanket back down and peering over Tommy's shoulder. "Sorry, I- Sorry."

"I can't," Billy began, getting distracted by not-quite-his-face staring back at him.

Billy grabbed for Tommy's hoodie, yanking it up amidst protests of, "What the hell? What are you doing?" until he could see the stretch of skin he wanted. The next words out of Billy's mouth were probably the dumbest part of this whole ordeal, but at least it made a good story.

_ "Copy. Paste." _

And just like that, his skin knitted back together and his stomach flattened to the gently toned abs Tommy gained from running everywhere.

Teddy took a step back, the bloodied blanket falling to the floor as he charged up to crush Billy in a hug. "Don't ever do that again."

His mom, their fantastic makeshift OB, stepped up with a bundle in her arms. She looked horrified and blissed out all at the same time. "Guys," she said, setting the bundle on Billy's chest, "say hello to your new baby girl."

Everyone was mentally scarred and covered in blood, but looking at that little face made everything feel so much better. She was green and had four little chin bumps, and she was  _ theirs _ , and that thought alone made the horrors of that day totally worth it.

A minute of cooing over their newest addition passed before his mom looked at the wall clock and promptly smacked Billy on the shoulder.

"Ow."

"Don't even, mister," she said, hands on her hips. "That was the stupidest thing you could have done. A caesarian, really? Are you crazy? You could have died!"

Thoroughly peeved, Billy cuddled his baby closer to his face so his mom had to look at her grandbaby as she yelled at him. "It was the only thing I could think of at the time!"

"Slicing yourself open was the  _ only option _ ? You couldn't have popped a vagina down there or something?"

"Funny enough, Mom, but I don't really know what a vagina  _ looks like _ ."

Tommy, who was subtly trying to steal the baby, asked, "Why do you know what a C-section looks like?"

Billy relinquished the baby to Tommy's eager hold and said, "I was doing research." Everyone looked at him like he was crazy, which was probably fair. "What? I had to get her out somehow."

"If you ever," his mom said, pressing a kiss to Billy's head, " _ ever _ try something like that again, I will kill you myself."

“Don’t worry, mom, I don’t ever want to do that again.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> For updates and whatnot check me out at RosieWritesRidiculousShit on [Tumblr](https://rosiewritesridiculousshit.tumblr.com//)


End file.
